Having kids is a lifelong commitment, not just to the new people in your life but to the other parent as well. No matter what happens with the relationship with your co-parent – maybe a divorce, maybe you were never married at all – if you want to be in your child’s life, you have to work with them. And when important events happen, you will have to spend time with them.
Rules of engagements
When you have big events for your kids, you want them to be the focus of everything. Deciding which parents can come is the last thing a young person needs as they prepare for a large gathering, such as:
- Bar mitzvah/Bat mitzvah
- Graduation
- Wedding
- Quinceñera
- Starring turn in a play
- Championship game
In these moments, they should instead focus on their own successes and how their day will go. So, it is on the parents to take the lead in building out their own rules for interacting.
Every event is different, and the rules can be different too
Regular communication is the hallmark of every successful co-parenting relationship. Even if you have extremely fraught relations with your co-parent, you want to maintain open communication lines. While it might be easy to institute a blanket “equal billing” rule for times when a parent is involved in an event, that doesn’t always make sense.
If you and your child worked on a project together, such as building a model or rehearsing a scene, you may have every right to be top-billed. It would be curious to offer equal time or expect everyone to congratulate your ex in that place. But the same could be said for any close interaction your child has with their other parent.
Big events are big changes, and that’s where close consideration of the event makes a big impact.