Sometimes the last person to know about the issues in a marriage is one of the spouses. Obviously, marriage is hard. It’s communication and negotiation and mutual respect that keep a marriage healthy, but that’s a team game. If one side decides they’re done with it and takes time steps to end the marriage, you can be caught flat-footed. So, what do you do?
Talk to someone who will listen
Whether it is a close friend, a parent or a sibling, you need to talk about the difficulties you’ve experienced with someone who cares about you. Your feelings of surprise and anger are extremely understandable. You want to process them without judgment or pain. A therapist may also be a good resource to help resolve your feelings.
Talk to your spouse
However, eventually, you will have to talk to your spouse again. When a divorce begins, most attorneys say that all communication should happen between lawyers, but that is sometimes not possible. If you have children, if you live together, if there are mutual events you go to, you’re going to interact with your spouse.
Your best option is to work with them to create ground rules for how you will move forward with things. It will be a better conversation for you if you stay focused on the rules of engagement and the future rather than anything in the past.
Talk to a lawyer
You’re going to go through a divorce. You will want an attorney. It does not matter if you don’t want a divorce. That decision is not in your hands anymore. However, you still deserve to protect your interests and family as much as you can. A divorce attorney can help you do that and can help you make a plan that matches how you’d like to move forward.
Take time to mourn your marriage
The worst part of your divorce is how you didn’t see it coming. A surprise divorce is just that: surprising. You thought things were, very probably, good. Now, you get to take the time to mourn the things you lost. It’s okay.