“How do I tell them?” is the question every parent considering a divorce asks themselves. It’s definitely not always going to be an easy answer, but there are strategies you can take, depending on your kids and your relationship with them.
But there are good approaches for every age range:
Preschool kids: They may not get it, but they know something is different
It may be somewhat easier for the youngest kids to get over their parent’s divorce simply because they won’t have the same grasp of the issues. That doesn’t mean they won’t notice that there is a change. And, if you have young kids, you already know that any change can bring on a great deal of chaos.
However, the most loving thing you can do is to assure them that they are loved. You must be honest with them about how things are different, but they may bounce back relatively quickly.
School-aged kids better processing better at processing and hiding feelings
For older kids, those younger than 12, finding out about their parents’ divorce can be a major shift. These kids have much greater emotional control and can look at things from a more complex perspective, but they may still feel a great deal of pain. In worst-case scenarios, they may try to conceal that pain from their parents.
You must pay close, caring attention to their feelings and relationships in and out of school. Perhaps talk to teachers. Working through these feelings will be a challenge, that is no question. Let them feel heard. Let them express themselves.
Teenagers are the hardest to work with
The teen years are already a massive upheaval; changing a living situation will add an extra level of instability. Teens may react extraordinarily little or react a great deal. Depending on the divorce circumstances and the possibility of a new partner for you or your ex, there is no way to say what will happen.
But, as with any age, you have one job: let your kid know you love them. Let your kid know that your divorce has nothing to do with them. Let them know that you’ll be there throughout these changes. Let them know that the one thing that will never change is how much you care about them.